goodbye texas state

/// It feels so weird praying to you right now, but I know you’re here. I know your spirit lives within me always. I want to ask why are you putting me through this now? I’ve never had a time in my christian life where it seemed like I didn’t have time to pray to you….I know you’re here, and I know you have me exactly where you want me. I also believe that you’re putting things in front of me and letting me work things out based on my own decision making skills and logic. We’ve never gone through anything like this before. The last time I felt like this was when I was really depressed fall of junior year. But that was because I didn’t want to pray to you or have anything to do with you. This is something different. You seem so silent, but not distant. I know you're right here with me, you're just not saying anything, and it's driving me crazy. That’s the perfect way to describe how I feel about you right now. But I know that doesn’t change you and I know your love for me is always the same. This is so hard for me, you know….I’m so used to hearing your voice clear as glass whenever I need or want you.  I’m so used to you giving me the answers and directions instantly.

You’ve given me three solid years to just drink you in and learn to love you. Just you and me. No work. Nothing strenuous. Little to no responsibility, almost no stress for three solid years. I believe with all my heart that you set these three years of my life aside simply for me to get to know who you are and to learn to give my heart to YOU and you alone, and how to rest and be healed in your spirit, how to recognize your voice when you call my name. College was not actually about college; it was about you saving my life. I’m starting to see that this blessing you’ve so graciously given me is rapidly coming to a close. But I know that just because this chapter of calm and rest is ending does not mean you’re leaving me. I know that it’s just time to work. It’s time to survive, to win some and lose some and all the balancing acts in between that come with the territory of making a living.

Thank you for finding me and saving me even when there was nothing I could ever do to deserve or earn your love. thank you for the past three years at texas state. As I bow my knee to you each and every day I can only ask that you’d take everything from me and make it what you want it to be. Ive felt overwhelmed and worried all day about how I’m going to make a living, but now I’m just so thankful for what you’ve given me. let your light be so visible in every area of my life lord jesus. i love you.