I don't really write in here very much, but it's about that time to update what's been going on. I think the last time I wrote was like, March. A lot has happened. I've been working at a restaraunt for like 5 months now. It's been more than I ever imagined this type of job could be. I've learned more about how to relate to people in a few months of waiting tables than I ever did in 4 years of college. I wasn't expecting to learn and change so much in such a short amount of time. I was honestly unaware that my personality could be so maleable. I'm now comfortable explaining something or joking in front of a group of total strangers, and I've gotten better at making someone feel like they are known and welcomed even if I don't know jack squat about their life. I never used to be like that growing up. I also never felt the need to convince somebody that they needed a piece of strawberry cheescake, and now I do it with ease every day. I find this so amusing.
I never thought I could be as full of life as I am these days. It's truly miraculous the way God has healed me and filled me with such joy and peace. For so many years I have been incessantly depressed and irritable and generally unwilling to let people know who I am. All I've ever wanted my whole life is for people to just leave me alone and stop talking to me because it's always been an exhausting and inconvenient expenditure of willpower and energy to share the slightest thoughts/feelings with other people. I can honestly say that's not who I am anymore, not even close. I want to wake up early with the sun and share my life with people every day because its no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. I can't believe someone as ordinary as me could be so blessed. I want to write more about this, but it's time to let the day end. Maybe I'll be back on here tomorrow.
Saturday, August 27, 2011
Monday, April 4, 2011
goodbye texas state
/// It feels so weird praying to you right now, but I know you’re here. I know your spirit lives within me always. I want to ask why are you putting me through this now? I’ve never had a time in my christian life where it seemed like I didn’t have time to pray to you….I know you’re here, and I know you have me exactly where you want me. I also believe that you’re putting things in front of me and letting me work things out based on my own decision making skills and logic. We’ve never gone through anything like this before. The last time I felt like this was when I was really depressed fall of junior year. But that was because I didn’t want to pray to you or have anything to do with you. This is something different. You seem so silent, but not distant. I know you're right here with me, you're just not saying anything, and it's driving me crazy. That’s the perfect way to describe how I feel about you right now. But I know that doesn’t change you and I know your love for me is always the same. This is so hard for me, you know….I’m so used to hearing your voice clear as glass whenever I need or want you. I’m so used to you giving me the answers and directions instantly.
You’ve given me three solid years to just drink you in and learn to love you. Just you and me. No work. Nothing strenuous. Little to no responsibility, almost no stress for three solid years. I believe with all my heart that you set these three years of my life aside simply for me to get to know who you are and to learn to give my heart to YOU and you alone, and how to rest and be healed in your spirit, how to recognize your voice when you call my name. College was not actually about college; it was about you saving my life. I’m starting to see that this blessing you’ve so graciously given me is rapidly coming to a close. But I know that just because this chapter of calm and rest is ending does not mean you’re leaving me. I know that it’s just time to work. It’s time to survive, to win some and lose some and all the balancing acts in between that come with the territory of making a living.
Thank you for finding me and saving me even when there was nothing I could ever do to deserve or earn your love. thank you for the past three years at texas state. As I bow my knee to you each and every day I can only ask that you’d take everything from me and make it what you want it to be. Ive felt overwhelmed and worried all day about how I’m going to make a living, but now I’m just so thankful for what you’ve given me. let your light be so visible in every area of my life lord jesus. i love you.
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
Sick.
Okay boys and girls. It's time for me to talk about some things that have been bothering me all day. I don't usually rant or even express things that deeply bother me because I don't want to hurt people's feelings, but suppressing the truth can get tiring really quickly, don't you think? I've been so irritated and disgusted today that I've started to feel physically sick over it.
Today I wore a leather bomber jacket with a fuzzy collar, aviator glasses, black boots, and an Octopus Project T-shirt. I had my hair pulled back in a slick ponytail. My makeup looked immaculate and pretty with bright pink lipgloss to top it all off. One would suppose that by "normal" societal standards I should have felt cool wearing those clothes, but I didn't feel cool at all. I felt like a tool bag.What is the point of fashion? Fashion is a tool used by the media to tell you who you are. It is a means to show that you are socially aware, or in some cases socially above others. Sometimes I try so hard to describe the depth of who I am by the style of clothes I wear. Sometimes when I try to dress cool, I feel like I need people to understand that I really know how life is, that I really am "with it". The fact that I am in touch with reality and societal rules should be easily conveyed through the fact that I'm wearing hip aviator sunglasses, right?
But really, all that stuff is meaningless trash. I'm not meant to have the "best" taste in clothes, music, movies, or even food, because all of the best and most refined things of the world look like dirty rags compared to knowing Jesus. So many things of this world seem beautiful and high-quality to me because I've been conned into believing they are beautiful and valuable, but really they're just trash and lies.
If you're disgusted by everything you hear on the radio/tv, it's because you as a human being were meant for something so much more than what the media wants you to think you're meant for. We as humans were meant to know God through Jesus Christ. We are just wandering around and have no idea who we are or where we're going in life. The media and the powers of this world will take advantage of that and try to tell you who you are by selling you the right clothes, car, makeup, tv, etc. etc. But that's not who I am and that's not who you are, really. We were meant to find our true identity in Jesus, and there's no way you are ever gonna have the slightest notion of who you are or what direction you're going in until you seek Jesus first. The media will tell you anything you want to hear, just so long as you keep buying their crap and fueling the system of the world that revolves around money, power, and draining you of your humanity.
Almost every human being would agree with me that we're more than these stupid brand names and labels. That's a given. But the thing that most people aren't gonna agree with and probably think I'm an idiot for is this: I believe the truth is being suppressed, the truth that Jesus is God and everything about us was made to know Him. If you don't see how the media societal norms have anything to do with spirituality, just think about it. Life is not about being cool enough, and it's not about making up your own philosophies about why you think you're here. People don't like to hear that Jesus is God because it disrupts their life; they don't want to have to make a decision about something so big as that; something that might mess their whole life plan up and cause a shift from living for themselves to living for God. Either Jesus is who he said he was and he is God, or he wasn't and he's not God. It's that simple, don't be fooled.
Today I wore a leather bomber jacket with a fuzzy collar, aviator glasses, black boots, and an Octopus Project T-shirt. I had my hair pulled back in a slick ponytail. My makeup looked immaculate and pretty with bright pink lipgloss to top it all off. One would suppose that by "normal" societal standards I should have felt cool wearing those clothes, but I didn't feel cool at all. I felt like a tool bag.What is the point of fashion? Fashion is a tool used by the media to tell you who you are. It is a means to show that you are socially aware, or in some cases socially above others. Sometimes I try so hard to describe the depth of who I am by the style of clothes I wear. Sometimes when I try to dress cool, I feel like I need people to understand that I really know how life is, that I really am "with it". The fact that I am in touch with reality and societal rules should be easily conveyed through the fact that I'm wearing hip aviator sunglasses, right?
But really, all that stuff is meaningless trash. I'm not meant to have the "best" taste in clothes, music, movies, or even food, because all of the best and most refined things of the world look like dirty rags compared to knowing Jesus. So many things of this world seem beautiful and high-quality to me because I've been conned into believing they are beautiful and valuable, but really they're just trash and lies.
If you're disgusted by everything you hear on the radio/tv, it's because you as a human being were meant for something so much more than what the media wants you to think you're meant for. We as humans were meant to know God through Jesus Christ. We are just wandering around and have no idea who we are or where we're going in life. The media and the powers of this world will take advantage of that and try to tell you who you are by selling you the right clothes, car, makeup, tv, etc. etc. But that's not who I am and that's not who you are, really. We were meant to find our true identity in Jesus, and there's no way you are ever gonna have the slightest notion of who you are or what direction you're going in until you seek Jesus first. The media will tell you anything you want to hear, just so long as you keep buying their crap and fueling the system of the world that revolves around money, power, and draining you of your humanity.
Almost every human being would agree with me that we're more than these stupid brand names and labels. That's a given. But the thing that most people aren't gonna agree with and probably think I'm an idiot for is this: I believe the truth is being suppressed, the truth that Jesus is God and everything about us was made to know Him. If you don't see how the media societal norms have anything to do with spirituality, just think about it. Life is not about being cool enough, and it's not about making up your own philosophies about why you think you're here. People don't like to hear that Jesus is God because it disrupts their life; they don't want to have to make a decision about something so big as that; something that might mess their whole life plan up and cause a shift from living for themselves to living for God. Either Jesus is who he said he was and he is God, or he wasn't and he's not God. It's that simple, don't be fooled.
Sunday, November 14, 2010
Entry 1
Ever since I was about 6, I've been keeping journals. I write..a lot. I write as much as two or three short entries some days, but other days I don't write at all. So, as much as I write my thoughts, I figured I would share some of them with whoever wants to read them. I'm fascinated by writing. I understand that some people write for artistic reasons, but that's not what I'm interested in here. I'm just intrigued by the way we are able to document and record our lives in writing. Also, you should know that I'm not a smooth talker. I stutter every now and then and often lose my train of thought in simple day-to-day conversations. That doesn't happen when I write. When I write, I'm free to take as much time as I need to express my thoughts clearly; I'm not caught off guard or put on the spot (which I hate!).
So that's the reason why I've started this. Now, what to write about? Well, my personal journal is filled with prayers, lamentations, praises, and general crying out to God. My life is about following Christ and I don't want to tiptoe around that, because everything that I am is His. When I write in my most personal journal, I don't put everything in a logical context because I don't write it with the general public in mind. I will probably write this blog the same way I write in my most personal journals, but for the general public's sake I will put everything into the context of what's going on in my life.
Have a good day :)
So that's the reason why I've started this. Now, what to write about? Well, my personal journal is filled with prayers, lamentations, praises, and general crying out to God. My life is about following Christ and I don't want to tiptoe around that, because everything that I am is His. When I write in my most personal journal, I don't put everything in a logical context because I don't write it with the general public in mind. I will probably write this blog the same way I write in my most personal journals, but for the general public's sake I will put everything into the context of what's going on in my life.
Have a good day :)
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